Boy, what doesn't kill you..

Everyone has a story, and we don't know what others are going through.  Situations and people are almost never what they seem, from the outside.  

My own life has been through a massive amount of upheaval in the past few years.  So many changes I won't go into (we all  have our share of challenges, I'm not special! )  but the hardest issue I had to face was that I'd clung to music so hard and for so long it was all I knew. I was drowning, not only emotionally but worse still, truly, financially. (When one day you realise you can't afford a coffee or to go to the dentist, you finally learn that money CAN actually make a person happier).  My experiences and travels as a musician have been wonderful, full, varied, no regrets. It's been a fascinating fortunate path. But as many musician may tell you it can also be a never-ending uphill battle of many thousands of unpaid hours practice living literally from gig to gig. I was constantly on the verge of a stomach ache wondering how to build upon and nurture the gigs I loved so much to do.  I worried to an unhealthy degree about my age and how I looked. Which sounds crazy but at many venues, how you look is as important as how you sound. But the worst worry by far was money. Not having financial freedom is also socially very  isolating. You can never meet anyone 'for lunch'.  

I also tried way too hard to please others (my own fault and foolishness, but again the stress was real nonetheless)  - my agents, musicians, the audience, everyone.  Not musically so much, I was too stubborn that way, focused, but in every other way. We all try to hide our  stress, put on a happy face, well I did. That is part of being professional. But everything slowly became intolerable.  

I was eventually forced to start again completely in a different city, circumstances and for the first time in my life give music away altogether, give up my gigs (which hurt like hell) , let it go, forget it,  boo hoo, get over it, get over myself, get a job. I was bitter, twisted and angry, still am occasionally,  to a degree I can't describe, at 'God' and others around me but deep down ME most of all. I felt like a fool, a joke, embarrassed, ashamed, a failure and occasionally still do. But, it was what I needed to get over myself, stop being so precious, really look around.

A few years later, to cut a long story short, things are slowly feeling better, different.  I have ironically been writing songs more than before because it seems to keep away depression, which I plan to record.  The songs I write now  are different.  Maybe more fun? I'm not so precious.   Music is something I like doing, not my whole life anymore. I have so much further to learn and grow still,  but my perspective these days I think  is healthier.  I am slowly rediscovering the romance of trees, a more simple, spiritual outlook and the magic that got me into music in the first place. I work with and meet  inspiring people at my job.. I feel so grateful for that job, the people I meet each day, every single one of them has a story, and the songs that I write now for fun and to be alive.