It is easy to see the value in others, in staying true to themselves and that being worth more than anything the outside world might give them . But it is not so easy to see in myself. I have found it so HARD to stay true.
I would love to want the normal things that normal people want, to be happy in a secure and sensible job, to want nice things that money can buy, or at least to be happy to make music that is aimed at a market or the mainstream - that would be smart. But I don't want those things enough, as much as I wish I did and even though I'm envious sometimes of those who do.
There is this FIRE that has been there my whole life, maybe even before. I can't stamp it out no matter how often I desperately prayed for it during countless rock bottoms. Then again, without it I would be dead. The fire is this crazy desire to make the music that is asking to be made - to let the music lead. It's the reason I waited seven years to record again, for the opportunity that felt instinctively RIGHT, and why it's taken another two and a half years to make (though my last two albums also took forever, and thankfully this one is just about there now).
It's also why I can't seem to settle anywhere, I don't want to be tied down in case the music wants me to go somewhere.
Writing this reminds me again that I can only be who I am. There is some weird comfort in there being absolutely no choice - may as well own it. There is no guarantees this will 'work', all I know is that nothing else would ever work.